Sonic Youth, "The Sprawl", line 7 of the lyrics

I recently read some self-assured dipshit's opinion that only children are maladjusted weirdos. This raised my hackles as I'm the parent of an only child. First, the aforementioned dipshit is the parent of three children. Second, exceptions to any rule abound¹ and his overly inclusive generalities miss that.

Analyzing what he wrote and my own experiences, I recognize some truth in it. His reasoning -- only children are prigs because they get too much attention -- does not fully explain the syndrome. Knowing this dipshit, I might have expected this kind of half-assed insight². He misses many reasons why this is so.

Only children do get too much attention. It's tough not to lavish attention on your only child. Brand new parents have no comparable experiences to call upon when anything happens to their child. Is this too much crying? Not enough crying? Am I holding my baby too much? Too little? All new parents are constantly adjusting their parenting style with no more feedback than how the child is behaving -- and some of that behavior won't evince itself until years down the road. Parents of multiple children have to abandon this self-reflection because they're too busy for it. This keeps parents from trying to apply their own misguided theories to child rearing which helps everyone in the end.

Another advantage of siblings is that they self-police. Breaking mom's vase will land you in timeout or result in some other age appropriate (and vase value appropriate) punishment. Breaking your old brother's favorite toy will get you a punch in the mouth. This teaches children the difference between justice meted out by authority and one's peers.

The lack of a sibling is also the lack of a playmate. The rules of peer play are wholly different from parent-child play. I don't have the sense of humor of a 4 year old so my daughter can't get good feedback on her attempts at humor. My imagination can't match a child's either. Her feedback is from adults and she may end up identifying more with adults -- at least for some time -- more than children because my wife and I are her references for humor, imagination and everything else.

So, yes, only children often end up with an unrealistic view of life and relationships. And I remain resolved to do all in my power to ensure my daughter grows up able to negotiate the world despite this. And finally, for the smug twat who inspired this post Sonic Youth, "The Sprawl", line 7 of the lyrics.

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¹A case of an exception to a rule is my brother-in-law. The eldest of four children, he's insightful on a variety of topics without being full of himself. He's talented but humble, opinionated but open to differing views. He's well adjusted in every sense -- an all around great guy.

This contrasts markedly with most people who grow up the eldest of four. That's a group of happy assholes to avoid. After being the smartest, strongest, fastest and every other -est in a collection of four children you have a somewhat warped sense of self. The fact that you can go one-on-three against your siblings in basketball and dominate doesn't make you Isiah Thomas. These people tend to be so far up their own asses they don't realize that it smells like shit in there.

²Ibid.

Step back and jump ahead

You are always learning and so are your kids, but it doesn't always seem that way. And while you know this objectively, you look at your child sometimes and think that can't be right.

Recently my 4 year old spent about 4 weeks referring to everyone and everything as a "booger nugget". Those of you familiar with WebKinz may have suffered as well. I don't particularly mind the name calling. Kids call people names and booger nugget is tame. In fact, to her the name wasn't a pejorative -- just funny sounds put together.

No, the real problem was that 6 months ago she'd gone through a big growth spurt. She spoke more clearly, her vocabulary exploded and her physical coordination and manual dexterity had gone way up. (Note -- "way up" is relative. For us, if you're sniffing the 40th percentile in any physical ability you're instantly the Jesse Owens of the family.) Now, she was stuck on one phrase.

See, this happens. Your child takes a giant mental/physical/emotional leap in development which really seems to happen overnight. You marvel at this and you and your wife beam as your child uses a word like "frustrated" correctly. You pat yourself on the back that the admixture of your DNA and your wife's DNA and those educational videos (note -- none are really educational, but that's for another day) and the reading and all the rest has created a peewee Marilyn vos Savant. And you need this fantasy because otherwise you have to admit you're flailing around considering whether Strawberry Oreos count as a fruit serving. (They do not as they are actually Strawberry Milkshake Oreos.)

After a few weeks wondering whether you should call the folks at Harvard to fast track the kid's college education, you get used to their new abilities. You absorb the new vocabulary, emotional stability, and physical prowess (for us, much less unexplained falling over) and these new abilities simply become part of your internalized vision of your child. This is good because it keeps you from making an ass of yourself by actually making the call to Harvard.

After that, though, something bad happens. Your child seems to get stuck. It's like no learning is happening. Worse, you start to wonder if they're getting dumber. Questions like, "will I be reminding a 30 year old to stop what she's doing and use the goddamned bathroom," arise. This can go on for a while and you may even begin to panic and start worrying about lead in toys, what your wife ate during pregnancy and whether those college good times mutated your DNA from the building blocks of life to the Lego set of stupid.

So that's where we were. My daughter calling everyone a "booger nugget" and me wondering how in 25 years I'll explain a 4 year old in a 30 year olds body. And then it happened. Another amazing jump forward occurred and we're back to beaming.

During the quiet, rational moments you know this is how it works. The information comes in and gets parsed, categorized, indexed and arrayed but not used. It builds and builds and builds and then it seems the whole system shuts down. It's like a long reboot takes place and the system reconfigures and works more efficiently and has more and better "features".

But 4 weeks of "booger nugget" can make anyone despair.

Oh, forget the whole damn thing

What the hell is this blog about?

I've run into a problem. I have good friends who do a daddy and mommy blog. They're both quite funny and well written with great commentary about being a parent. And that's my problem.

I don't have a hook for this blog, so I'm left to writing about myself and my impressions of things. Since I have a 4 year old daughter, a great deal of my time is spent with her and that's really what I have for material. Since I know these folks, there's a feeling of stepping on their territory.

With that -- expect posts about being a dad.

Apologies to Mr. and Mrs. 'Festo.