Sonic Youth, "The Sprawl", line 7 of the lyrics

I recently read some self-assured dipshit's opinion that only children are maladjusted weirdos. This raised my hackles as I'm the parent of an only child. First, the aforementioned dipshit is the parent of three children. Second, exceptions to any rule abound¹ and his overly inclusive generalities miss that.

Analyzing what he wrote and my own experiences, I recognize some truth in it. His reasoning -- only children are prigs because they get too much attention -- does not fully explain the syndrome. Knowing this dipshit, I might have expected this kind of half-assed insight². He misses many reasons why this is so.

Only children do get too much attention. It's tough not to lavish attention on your only child. Brand new parents have no comparable experiences to call upon when anything happens to their child. Is this too much crying? Not enough crying? Am I holding my baby too much? Too little? All new parents are constantly adjusting their parenting style with no more feedback than how the child is behaving -- and some of that behavior won't evince itself until years down the road. Parents of multiple children have to abandon this self-reflection because they're too busy for it. This keeps parents from trying to apply their own misguided theories to child rearing which helps everyone in the end.

Another advantage of siblings is that they self-police. Breaking mom's vase will land you in timeout or result in some other age appropriate (and vase value appropriate) punishment. Breaking your old brother's favorite toy will get you a punch in the mouth. This teaches children the difference between justice meted out by authority and one's peers.

The lack of a sibling is also the lack of a playmate. The rules of peer play are wholly different from parent-child play. I don't have the sense of humor of a 4 year old so my daughter can't get good feedback on her attempts at humor. My imagination can't match a child's either. Her feedback is from adults and she may end up identifying more with adults -- at least for some time -- more than children because my wife and I are her references for humor, imagination and everything else.

So, yes, only children often end up with an unrealistic view of life and relationships. And I remain resolved to do all in my power to ensure my daughter grows up able to negotiate the world despite this. And finally, for the smug twat who inspired this post Sonic Youth, "The Sprawl", line 7 of the lyrics.

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¹A case of an exception to a rule is my brother-in-law. The eldest of four children, he's insightful on a variety of topics without being full of himself. He's talented but humble, opinionated but open to differing views. He's well adjusted in every sense -- an all around great guy.

This contrasts markedly with most people who grow up the eldest of four. That's a group of happy assholes to avoid. After being the smartest, strongest, fastest and every other -est in a collection of four children you have a somewhat warped sense of self. The fact that you can go one-on-three against your siblings in basketball and dominate doesn't make you Isiah Thomas. These people tend to be so far up their own asses they don't realize that it smells like shit in there.

²Ibid.